It is named reconciliation, because that is what I am in dire need of after the last few weeks.
So, I went into the office and had a great week of rest. I feel I did not fully take advantage of that time to study and rest to the fullest, but it was very necessary. I was going to stay till Friday but was abruptly taken home on Wednesday because the A.P. who replaced me wanted to visit his old areas. I was cool with this, especially because of the reports that my gamer addicted comp was not flying solo anymore, and showing signs of desire and fire. I was excited to get out to work, even though I was still on crutches. When I got there we worked for about 4-5 hours before I was having a hard time even crutching around, so we returned home. Almost immediately without many words he left me. He left me once again. And this pattern continued throughout the week. One night we returned around 9:15, we worked a full day, I was exhausted, sore, and in pain. I collapsed in a chair and Sudaria said "I'm going out, you can lock the door if your going to sleep cause I have a key." I began to argue saying it was late and he should just go to bed, but he left as I was unlocking my foot from the walking boot. I figured he'd be back around 10:30. surely no later than 11:00pm. I went to bed and locked the house. I woke up at 3:30am to see no figure in the bed next to mine. I went back to sleep rationalizing he was still at the shop. I woke up at 6:00am and he still was not home. I began to worry bad. What if something happened to my comp, I'm responsible, I'm senior comp, what if he's hurt or mugged or something. After 7:00am I went out searching on my crutches to the nearest computer shops. He was no where to be found. I went to my zone leaders in the city. The three of us searched till about 8:30, and then we returned home. The ZLs had not yet called the APs when Sudaria finally showed up around 9:15 for district meeting at 10. I couldn't believe it. I started laughing cause I was so shocked and relieved that he just showed up all nonchalant. I gave him a few words of rebuke, it was soft, he knew what he was doing was wrong. I simply said this wont happen again, and I will ensure that it doesn't, this is irresponsible and nigh reckless.
After district meeting he fell asleep while lunch was being made. Francis, a ward mission leader, came over. We tried to wake up Sudaria but he refused to work. He had not changed, he had no conversion. I took two giant padlocks and locked Sudaria in the house and went out to work with Francis. I was not going to let our investigators suffer for his choices. When we came back only three hours later to see if he was ready to work, Houdini escaped and had gone to the computer shop once again. He returned late that night. As the days continued, I found new ways of locking Sudaria in the house without him being able to escape, our work suffered deeply. We only ever got out to our really progressing investigators, and our companionship studies, prayers, and planning became non-existent. We talked, we were close I'd even say. We discussed our missions and old times, likes dislikes, members, investigators. I can say we were friends through all this, his desire was just gone.
And mine started to go with him.As the week dragged on we discovered there was no transfer. Both of us expected one. I questioned if it was possible to continue like this for 6 more weeks of constantly babysitting my companion. I wrote the President after a very discouraging low day about it. I was getting to all time lows, and using my foot as an excuse not to work. These were all internal. Last Sunday was the deepest trench of how I've felt on my mission. Guilt, shame, and discouragement consumed my thoughts. I could not do this for much longer, try to teach while my heart and soul was in such turmoil over my own lack of faith and the obvious black hole that was my companion, sucking all light and life into his addiction and lack of care of anyone or anything. I questioned if I really could do it. After some intense study sessions and prayer and contemplation, I began to set goals and plans to work back up. Start with the basics, consistent study, waking up on time, praying often, all of which seemed to dwindle in importance. I knew fire and testimony started with these things so I made preparations. Hope crept into my heart as these things poked at my soul, saying to just convince Sudaria to study and do the same things. Two Elders moved into our home. I thought to myself, "Yes! this will help me and Sudaria get back into good habits." [but no. On the contrary, nothing changed. That same Sunday I lost all hope. I lost all fire. I had died inside. I felt absolutely numb. It was the first time on my mission that I had sat during Sacrament without a single stirring, a single impression, or any sort of movement to repent or ponder. I was a heartbeat, a breathing pair of lungs, my brain was pulsing with autonomous function, but that was it. That was the day I could no longer do it. It was that point that God intervenes because you really can't handle it anymore. I was complacent to go home, to sit for another transfer, or die. It may sound dramatic, but everything that I had been fighting for had passed in vain.] The next night, after sudaria had ditched Manlabe on splits, Elder Park and Elder Deguzman, our A.P.s arrived. They wore solemn faces, and were cordial at best. They walked into the room where Sudaria was sleeping. I heard this-- "President wants to speak with you" a moment of silence then Sudaria's voice...
"Yes President, thank you President."Park walked out on the phone and said we'll stick him with the zone leaders," than walked out the front door. He returned and said.
"Your companion is going home, do you want to go for a drive?"
I nodded my head as my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach and failure seared guilt filled feelings through my core. I had failed my companion. I had failed my purpose to my ward and companion. I was devastated. My companion was ruining his life, and I let him do it.
I expressed these things to Park who told me it was not my fault. I told him I'm in need of repentance, and I need to get my act together and head on straight. Park then told me I'm emergency transferred to the Zone Leader's area, and will be in a threesome with them, while Elliot and Manlabe take my area. Devastation arose again as the missed opportunities with my amazing incredible progressing investigators was taken from me. What could I do... nothing. It was done. God had taken it from me because I could not handle the situation. Gratitude crept into my thoughts. Maybe this was supposed to happen, you can learn from this, grow from this, don't think it is time to slow down and give up. Now is your time of reconciliation. And so it is.
I want to commit to all of you to my return to obedience, diligent study, hard work, and deep faith in God. I came to serve, not be a pathetic ball of fail. Don't try to justify or excuse me of my actions because I had a broken ankle, God would not have given me a broken ankle through all this if I couldn't overcome both problems. I've got my head on straight now, and my eye on the prize. Just send me some prayers, maybe some letters, and all will be ok.
I love you all, my testimony has only increased through all this. I love you, I love you I love you. I wish I could express myself in person to each of you individually as your faces pass through my mind as I write this. God be with you. I love you.
-Elder Mace
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